grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
