He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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