i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
