I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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