Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
