OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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