I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
