My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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