If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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