UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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