The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize