considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
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