Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
