I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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