I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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