i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
