I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
