You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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