She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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