So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
My vagina just recognized that song.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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