All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
