I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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