So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Sober January is a disaster.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize