Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You ate ashes out of my bong
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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