I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
