Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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