Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
