I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I am naked and annoyed.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
