yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
