I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
