i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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