he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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