he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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