I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
