just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
