yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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