I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I need a burrito and a hug.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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