hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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