my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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