Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
