I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The feeling are messing with the penis
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
