Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
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