I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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