he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
