remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
