it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
