It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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