You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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