i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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