so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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