I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
