I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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