Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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