Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
