I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
