It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
