i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
my sisters under your porch take her home
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
